Purposeless Life

I'm listening to: "Still" by Ben Folds

Three days ago, my close friend, and producer Zachariah Lewis got married. I was able to get up to D.C. and be with him and celebrate. It's so much colder in DC, but it's good to feel the seasons sometimes, ya know. The ceremony was perfect, not super long, not super short, filled with emotion, just the way its suppose to be. What I love watching was just the two of them.... completely in love.... sharing life together... it makes sense...

We finally have begun to cast for this amazing project. (don't worry i'll come back to my above thoughts, you know me, all over the place). We are casting in New York City, and Washington D.C. This is one of my favorite per-productions times, finally putting beautiful faces to these characters who are already alive. We are getting a lot of great responses. Thank you to everyone who has been reading the blog and leaving your comments.  Its helps to feel the warm love. 

And I know that is what this project is all about.  Similar to this wedding.....

Life has no purpose unless its shared.... shared... with people. 

Where You Are:Project Swaziland is meaningless without a group a people coming together and saying "enough is enough", and we might not change a damn thing, but we are going to give it our all.  Shared.  Live together. I think about all the amazing things that have happened in this world, and though one person might get the credit, its always a team, always a unit, a support group, that really made it happen.  Cause everyone doubts, no matter what, but its the strength in others that allows your to rise higher than you thought you could.  I'm excited to share this journey with talented actors and actresses, and crew members.  The fact that we are doing it together makes it for me, for us. 

So gather round friends... the exclusive hollywood style is far from our studio. C&I Studios is all about change. 

There's No Room For Man-Pleasing

I'm listening to: "Elysium" by: Hans Zimmer

I have a Honda Metropolitan.  I love it.  I drive it a lot.  I live in Florida if you haven't figured that out yet.  But I love my scooter, and my favorite drive is from Fort Lauderdale Beach to South Beach.  Just driving down the road with the sand and my friend,  the Atlantic Ocean next to me. It's a beautiful, just captivating journey.  I really enjoy it.  It frees me to think about life, and ideas, and this project.  

A big part of this project, is finding the organization and people that we are going to link up with in Swaziland and work with.  Well, that big question has finally been answered.  Susan Creamer, of swazichild.com has welcomed us, and allowed us to be a part of the amazing organization that she has started.  She is amazing, always giving, and the crazy thing is she is located in Fort Lauderdale Florida, (when she isn't in Swaziland) about 5 miles from where I live. So amazing!  So, we have met and talked, shared stories, become friends... it's beenso  amazing.  It will be so great to work with her and all of these children and families. 

This project is so important and it means so much to me, to her, to us. 

As I was driving, I was just thinking about, how a lot of our lives, we spend so much time doing things for... credit. And yes, I know none of us want to say that we do, but it's so true.  We want people to notice us, look at what we are doing, approve of us, say that we are good people. We want other people to think highly of us, and tell their friends good things, amazing things about us.  Could we be so focused on people? our peers? of course. To your face?...no not at all, but secretly deep down, deep inside, we all want to be liked.... to be in demand....  none of us want to be outcasts, no matter how artsy fartsy we think we are.  Secretly we want the approval of man....

These thoughts made me remember to some conversations that Susan and I had.  It's hard to think that these people and these kids in Swaziland are just fighting for their lives, literally, trying to stay alive, trying to find clean water, they aren't caught up in the silly games that we play here.  They are just honest with themselves, whether its good or bad.  Honest.  We can learn so much from other people.  One thing I'm thinking about now,  is that we are going over to help them, give them hope and so on, raise awareness here in the States, make an impact for them, help them. But I think..... they will be helping us so much more.... without saying a single word to us, they will help us... make us better people.... maybe life isn't about making sure that my supervisor things highly of me, maybe its about something greater than that.... maybe life lessons can be learned at the strangest of places at the strangest times. I am learning that on this journey of life, we are wasting our time trying to secretly gain this "approval", this "acceptance".  If we could just focus on something greater, instead of that.... maybe we would see humanity upgrade to 2.0... 

just maybe... or maybe it was just a silly scooter ride...

I Wanna Scream So Loud For You

I'm listening to: __________________.

Where You Are is tough. 

For me this project is really hard.  I think its absolutely amazing to see how far we have come, and I will continue to press in through these hard times to achieve this seemingly impossible goal.  Today I asked myself why is it so hard... 

I remember when I was 10 and me and my brothers really loved Legos. Yes, Legos, remember those. They didn't have any electronic parts, no LCD screens, no batteries. They were the best thing to us.  At 10, it was my life's mission to acquire more Legos. More Legos than one could imagine. I remember constantly wanting more, but we had no money to buy more. I remember one day, we all had a plan to sell lemonade on the side of the road to get money for Legos. (This plan was sure to solve our problem).  We were so excited about it.  We planned it.  Mother secretly smiled as she made this perfect drink for us to sell.  I'm sure it's the cutest thing in the world to see your kids trying to sell lemonade to the neighbors.  And while it was cute, even then, I could see my mom....my biggest fan....ALWAYS supporting me.  We finally had enough lemonade and we tried to sell like crazy.  So funny to think about.... I remember at one point we had five dollars!!  Oh man.  Five Dollars.  That was huge. We went to Toys R Us. (why doesnt any child like Toys R Us anymore....all kids want now are ipods, laptops, iphones and Wii) strange...but anyway we bought this Lego set.  Well, we thought we did, but it was my dad who really bought it, and put our 5 dollars in our savings account. (ALWAYS supporting me). We put the set together, feeling so accomplished and we played. And played.... 

I feel like I've lost a lot of that.  Like life has stolen some of that pure passionate emotion, that "i can do anything attitude, cause i'm special" attitude.  Life has stolen that from me now. 

Now....I doubt....

...I doubt myself.  I think about every film that we make and I think to myself, how will you ever get the money to do this....I doubt....I try to save up all of my hope and press on...but at some point my love tank runs dry.  I build these huge projects and journey to film festivals and receive these compliments that floor me, but one comment like "man you are so far from this project" from someone,  just makes me shrivel up, and want to run back to the safe arms of my mother. 

So here I am. A project before me... Several projects before me. Knowing that people are counting on me... wanting me to continue on (even if they say so or not). 

My soul is screaming out... 

...but...

...i will not stop. Life is a journey, and my goal is to learn to Enjoy the Journey. My prayer is to take back, my boyish confidence that once ran through me... Life isn't about me. It isn't about what I want to do... It's about finding the strength to do what NEEDS to be done. 

There is a need... and I will die.....before I quit.