Where You Are is tough.
For me this project is really hard. I think its absolutely amazing to see how far we have come, and I will continue to press in through these hard times to achieve this seemingly impossible goal. Today I asked myself why is it so hard...
I remember when I was 10 and me and my brothers really loved Legos. Yes, Legos, remember those. They didn't have any electronic parts, no LCD screens, no batteries. They were the best thing to us. At 10, it was my life's mission to acquire more Legos. More Legos than one could imagine. I remember constantly wanting more, but we had no money to buy more. I remember one day, we all had a plan to sell lemonade on the side of the road to get money for Legos. (This plan was sure to solve our problem). We were so excited about it. We planned it. Mother secretly smiled as she made this perfect drink for us to sell. I'm sure it's the cutest thing in the world to see your kids trying to sell lemonade to the neighbors. And while it was cute, even then, I could see my mom....my biggest fan....ALWAYS supporting me. We finally had enough lemonade and we tried to sell like crazy. So funny to think about.... I remember at one point we had five dollars!! Oh man. Five Dollars. That was huge. We went to Toys R Us. (why doesnt any child like Toys R Us anymore....all kids want now are ipods, laptops, iphones and Wii) strange...but anyway we bought this Lego set. Well, we thought we did, but it was my dad who really bought it, and put our 5 dollars in our savings account. (ALWAYS supporting me). We put the set together, feeling so accomplished and we played. And played....
I feel like I've lost a lot of that. Like life has stolen some of that pure passionate emotion, that "i can do anything attitude, cause i'm special" attitude. Life has stolen that from me now.
Now....I doubt....
...I doubt myself. I think about every film that we make and I think to myself, how will you ever get the money to do this....I doubt....I try to save up all of my hope and press on...but at some point my love tank runs dry. I build these huge projects and journey to film festivals and receive these compliments that floor me, but one comment like "man you are so far from this project" from someone, just makes me shrivel up, and want to run back to the safe arms of my mother.
So here I am. A project before me... Several projects before me. Knowing that people are counting on me... wanting me to continue on (even if they say so or not).
My soul is screaming out...
...but...
...i will not stop. Life is a journey, and my goal is to learn to Enjoy the Journey. My prayer is to take back, my boyish confidence that once ran through me... Life isn't about me. It isn't about what I want to do... It's about finding the strength to do what NEEDS to be done.
There is a need... and I will die.....before I quit.
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1 comment:
first.
"A BIGGER AND BETTER MARINEA"
second.
you can do this. God has been planning this journey. And these projects. to challenge you. to even challenge you this very moment. where you feel like everything and everyone is holding you down and holding you back. He is setting you up, preparing you. For what is yet to come. just like how you got excited back when you ere 10 years old, for 5 dollars, just wait till you see that check for 5 million.
i love you
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